Mix Matched Perfection: August 2011

This is me with the best determined look I could muster at the time.. I had just finished my first work out of the summer and decided that NOW is the time for me to get back to me. I know.. it sounds.. well.. selfish.. but after seeing myself in pictures all summer I realized that I had become unrecognizable ...
Let me back up....
Our family had the best summer together.. we were able to take Kieva to see everyone of his grandparents' most of his aunts,uncles,and cousins, and to experience their life with them. What a blast.. First to North
Carolina where we stayed at the beach house..searched for shells, hung out with family, jumped on trampolines, rode the Holy Mackeral, rode the pony, went to a water park, played in grandmom's pool and had not one but TWO birthday parties to celebrate Kieva's 6th year of life!
Then we jet setted to Illinois where even more family was waiting for us.. We went to Great America, museums, a Discovery Center, swam in grandpa's pool, made new friends and discovered new parks to play in. I saw my grandma.. The Queen, as we lovingly refer to her...and had another birthday party for Kieva... it was a crazy 6 weeks.
During that last few weeks I found out that a friend from jr.high was losing her battle with cancer.
She had been writing a blog on The Caring Bridge website.. so I went there and read her 80 some entries in one night.. It took me through two years of her cancer struggle... I found myself weeping and being stirred in the depths of me. see, we had not spoken for over 20 years.. but we were facebook friends and had a few exchanges over facebook... so reading her blog was like reconnecting and yet the last entry at that time was her going into the hospital due to pain.. and then a family member began giving updates for her since she had then been taken to a hospice. I wept for her children.. for her husband.. her family.. and then I just wept for the injustice of it all.
In the days following I found myself questioning many things.. and asking the Lord for His perspective because mine seemed so cloudy and murky. All of this anxst just kept swirling inside of me.. and caused me to get on that eliptical and try to burn some of it away.. I ended up doing alot of crying and actually found myself crying...again.. for my little Kirra.
That was the beginning of me working out twice a day and allowing all of the pain and questions inside of me to rise to the surface and spill out. I have been working out regularly since then .. it's been about 3 weeks now and I am about to begin a cleanse.. I still can't verbalize what has been touched in me.. I can only say that some part of me has been shaken awake again...
I am ready to paddle hard from the boat of discipline in the sea of discovery again.. and to carve myself out of this extra flesh...