I think the Lord has waved this type of sign in front of me dozens of times throughout the years.. He seems to like to remind me that I am not in control and that maybe.. just maybe.. I need to stop... turn to Him and then embark on the journey again.. I hear Him wooing me closer and closer.. the tears are ever ready and the heart is being stirred.. but it's taking some time. It's the end of my second day on this cleanse and I am seeing some ugliness begin to arise... sigh.. my rock of faith has been nicked again.... I wonder how long it will take for me to be that unwavering, Jesus flag holding, woman that I was for sure going to be by age 40... but I can't seem to dispell the questions lately.. the ugly questions, as I call them.. the why's? the what ifs?.. those are the worst. I have heard many a speaker share that the Lord is in the now.. not the past or the future.. but the present.. and I see that.. but my heart still cries at times for the sadness of the past and the mistakes made. I am believeing that through this cleanse the Lord is going to build up that faith again.. just by the beauty of sitting in His presence..that He is going to restore His perspective to me in the places that desperatley need some restoring.
It's rather interesting to me that this is the first quarter I will taking on the Pastoral Director role 100% and will be shepherding others closer to Him and yet this seems to be a great time for a bit of a faith crisis... haha. Thank God that He is not afraid of my questions.. but beckons me closer still.. and can calm me and reassure me in a way noone else will ever be able to.
I continue to sit in this boat.. and I will continue to paddle.. fast and hard.. determined to know Him and His perspective. Even on the days that my sight is blurry from the sweat and the tears... give me your endurance Lord.
